Golf Truths

Golf Truths

We understand that this list of Golf Truths was begun by a fellow named Dan Rodriguez of Cabot, Arkansas. If you have any additions please send them to us at [email protected].

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes – – or at a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers, who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Always concede the fourth putt

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.

Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.

Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.

Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.

Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition.

Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.

Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses?

If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured.

If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.

If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can also hit it onto the green.

If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.

If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf ball.

If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf.

Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure…so do older golfers for that matter.

In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.

In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.

It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.

Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.

Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips.

No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds.

Nobody ever coughs on your follow through.

Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.

Passing lorry-drivers always shout 'Fore' at the top of your backswing.

People who say a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row.

Quote from Christy O'Connor: 'If it wasn't my living, I wouldn't play golf if you paid me.'

Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there.

Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole.

Teeing up on the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in the cabbage on the other side.

The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on.

The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue.

The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.

The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball will avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber.

The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground.

The first time you enter the club's knockout competition you are drawn against the club champion in the first round.

The hickory-shafted driver that you found in your grandmother's attic turns out to be worth only $10.

The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course.

The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you.

The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers.

The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.

The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.

The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room.

The only downwind holes are par threes.

The people in front of you are playing too slowly; the people behind you are playing too quickly.

The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.

The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique.

The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.

The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line.

Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over.

Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it.

When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.

When there is one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks.

When you are looking for your ball, it is found (a) when you have trudged back and put another ball in play, (b) when the five minutes search time has elapsed, (c) when you tread on it and incur a penalty.

When you can tear yourself away from the office for a rare midweek round you find yourself in the midst of a visiting society.

When you drive your car to a pro-am, you are caught in an impenetrable traffic jam.

When you play a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split second when you have no idea as to the ball's whereabouts before it plummets down on your foot.

Whenever you take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind.

While unloading your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the tarmac car park and roll under the other cars.

Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole.

Your best medal round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition.

Your controlled draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled fade is, in reality, a vicious slice.

Your favorite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash.

Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone.

Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact that you can't afford to humiliate.

Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment.

Pine trees eat golf balls.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

Aim for the bunker, you'll never hit it.

A putt cannot be wished into the cup.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers, who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

It rains only when you forget your umbrella.

Two putts on a slick green are only the beginning.

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50' putt when you lie 9.

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

There is more to life than to break par, but not much more.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

A shot in the lake is an act of God, but a hole-in-one is mine alone.

“Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.”

“Tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. 

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. 

A group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, and convict.

All 1 Irons are demon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water

When nature calls bathrooms will always be three holes away.

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

If there is more than one way to hit the ball, you will always choose the wrong way.

Golf is a game of inches. Your ball inches into the creek, inches into the sand …

When you're desperate for a par, a double bogey is on the horizon.

Any difficult shot can be made to be impossible if enough time is made to study it.

Gale force winds that drive your ball back into your face will disappear when it's your opponents turn.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the start of the next group of three

Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

There are two kinds of bounces, unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of the backswing by his handicap.

You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

If you play one good round of golf a month, it will be outside of tournament play.

The one good round of golf will drop your handicap and place you into a flight you can't hope to compete in.

The more simple the putt, the greater the chance is of blowing it.

On a shot out of bounds, you can find everyone's ball but your own.

Any mistake made on your scorecard will not be to your advantage.

If your golf swing feels natural you're doing it wrong.

The best tee times are allotted to people who deserve them the least.

Once struck, the golf ball acquires a mind of its own.

The best way to play the hole will become obvious as soon as you have finished your round.

It is easier to get water to flow uphill than to get any sympathy in a locker room.

A good disposition indicates that the ball has not been teed up, yet.

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases proportionately with the number of people you tell about the former.

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down, and worshipped.

No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

What you see the pros do on TV is almost impossible for the rest of us to copy, unless it's the first time golfer who has no idea of what they've just done.

When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of the backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

If faced with a full shot to the green while the foursome ahead is still putting, you seem to have only you have two options. You can immediately shank a lay-up or wait until the green is clear and top the ball halfway there. A third, lesser know, option that ensures you will hit the green, 10' past hole high, is to hit it right away.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to dis his own haircut.

There are two types of luck in golf, (1) bad luck-which belongs to you and (2) good luck-which belongs to your opponents.

If a normally fast group of four has difficulty on the first hole, the slow group behind will insist on playing through.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more club or two more balls.

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Palm trees eat golf balls.

Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

All drivers are demon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

“Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sun sets.

Some useful reminders to use when playing golf is that when another foursome is on the green, please remember that “Fore!” is not an excuse, “So what?” is not an apology, and “Up yours” is not an explanation.

Making golf fun for everyone in your group is always of the highest importance. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.

The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball 260 yards down the middle.

There are also two rules that always apply when playing golf. Whenever you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be one hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off. Also, you haven't really played golf until you've had to decide which opening in the trees gives you the best chance of getting back to the fairway.