Golf One-Liners

Golf One-Liners

A Rock Hudson Putt: Looks straight…but it ain't…

My stockbroker’s a golf nut. One day he called up  and he said, “Guess what? I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.”

Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down.

It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy.

He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime.

His golf is improving. He’s missing the ball much closer than he used to!

My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.

I don’t want to excuse him of cheating, but once he had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero.

Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.

Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.”

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.

Forget about all those “how to” books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!

You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!

I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.

The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.

Oxymoron: An easy par three.

Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.

“My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.

Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin' and one for betting'

Golf is an easy game… it's just hard to play.

How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.

The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.