The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.
They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries and possibly squirrel, rabbit or gopher fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?
He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”
One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I've got some real trouble down here.”
Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What's the matter, John? Is everything okay?”
John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently you can't get out of here with a seven.
A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question…
Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor.
A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.
“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.
Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital.
When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor, and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn't you?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had.
“Well, I hope you're proud of yourself mister, because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life!
The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it's just as well that you went ahead and finished your round, because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.”
“Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked.
“Because for the rest of your wife’ life she will require 'round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!”
The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, so he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.
The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin.
“Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?”
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, but as he is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 Iron.”
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone – just the frog.
Again, he hears, “Ribbit, 9 Iron.”
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, so puts the club away, and grabs his 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He’s both pleased and shocked, so he says to the frog, “Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, right?
The frog replies, “Ribbit, lucky frog.”
So the man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” the man asks.
“Ribbit, 3 wood,” the frog replies.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom, a hole-in-one.
The man is ecstatic and befuddled and doesn't know what to say or think.
By the end of the round the man, thanks to the frog’s advice, had shot the best round of his life, so he asks the frog, “OK my little green friend, what’s next?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit, Las Vegas.”
So off they go to Las Vegas.
They rush to the Strip, and scurry to the casino in the Bellagio.
The man guy says, “OK Froggy, now what?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit, roulette table.”
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit, $30,000, Number 6.”
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the best golf game of his life the man figures, “What the Hell!” So he nervously places a $30,000 bet on number 6, as the frog had instructed.
The croupier spins the wheel, and Boom, the little white ball drops into the slot for number 6.
The man and the other players go crazy, because he had just won a whopping $1,080,000.
The man takes his winnings and checks-in to the Bellagio’s Presidential Suite.
Then he sits down next to the frog and says, “Froggy, I don't know how I can ever repay you. You gave me by far the best round of golf I’ve ever had, and now you’ve won me over a million dollars on one spin of the wheel. I am truly forever in your debt. How can I ever possibly repay you?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss me!”
The extremely grateful, and now rich, man figures, “Why the Hell not?
So he gives his new green best friend a kiss, and Boom, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
“And that, Your Honor, so help me God, is how that young girl ended up in my hotel room!”
A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”
The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?”
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.
“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” the first guy asked.
“Yep, he's right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie.
The friend says, “I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?”
“Yes, I will,” the genie replies.
So the friend asks the genie for, “a million bucks.”
Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.”
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers.
“Hey,” yells to disappointed golfer. “I asked you genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.”
“Sorry,’ the other golfer replied, “He's hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?”
Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”
A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?” says the friend, “That's incredible. How many does he do?” “Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”
A hacker spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hacker, he, of course, plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I've played so lousy all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.” The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don't think you could keep your head down that long.”
“Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?” asked the curious golfer.” It’s not a watch, sir. It's a compass”
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!” Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!” Mike had had enough. He shouted, “Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!”
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”
A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, “Please don't go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.” The woman replied, “You don't understand…I'm a hooker.” The man said, “That's no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip.”
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
A fellow caddy and myself recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.”
An avid golfer goes to see a fortuneteller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. “I have good news and bad news,” she tells the golfer. “What’s the good news?” asks the golfer “The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth.” “What’s the bad news then?” he asks “You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win. She takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car the husband is fuming, “I can't believe you missed that putt, it was a damn tap in! In fact, it was no longer than my pecker.” The wife looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!”
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!” The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!”
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It's not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It's not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It's not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that's fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!”
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
“I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don't blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded.
“Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.
“Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?”
She replies, “I can't afford any on the money you give me.”
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?”
She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, “Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?”
A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, so the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for a while and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, “It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!”
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There” he said to the husband, “That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”. “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
“Tom” sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. “Not worth it” he muttered” never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.” A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”
Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?” asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mabel’s dead.” “Damn, that's terrible,” said Bob, “You sat you ‘think’ your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?” “Well,” responded Mike, “The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”
A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”
“Somersaults,” says the man.
“Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That's incredible. How many does he do?”
“Hmmm,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three-foot putt and says, “God dammit, I missed.”
The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two-foot putt and says again, “God dammit, I missed.”
The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one-foot putt and says, “God dammit, I missed.”
All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, “God dammit, I missed.”
A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, “Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself.”
The caddie replied, “I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!”
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don't you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I've never had an old ball.”
A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160-yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.
Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, “God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green.”
As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, “Use a new ball, they go farther.”
The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, “Take a practice swing first.”
The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.
He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Use the old ball.”
A couple had a whirlwind, 30-day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, “Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day.”
“I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day.”
“That's OK,” he said, “we'll just play dog leg lefts.”
Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The groups ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and weren’t gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them. Soon the Marshall came around, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, “We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!”
The Marshall stated, “I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind.”
The Protestant cried, “Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls.”
The Catholic cried, “Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls.”
The rabbi shouted, “So why can't they play at night!?”
The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to “tune up” his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double-checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him “Your problem is obvious Sir — it's LOFT.”
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him “Your problem is still LOFT.”
The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him “I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT.”
The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, “I don't understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?”
The pro looked at him and explained, “L.O.F.T. – Lack Of Fucking Talent!”
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, “Could you please do me a favor?”
“Sure,” she replied.
He went on to say, “I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away.” “Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?”
“No problem,” she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, “Gee, what are these for?” He replied, “Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving.”
To which she commented, “Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything.”
A terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180-yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
To which the caddie replied, “Eventually.”
“I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”
“I had a terrible round today,” the golfer told his wife. “I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.”
A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the clubhouse. The ball was sitting about 2-feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, setup silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,” Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”
The voice broke the man's concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, “Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”
The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, “Would you please tell the gentleman in the clubhouse that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?”
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no mulligans, improving their lies, etc. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.”
No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
To the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6-feet from the pin.
“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” The man answered, “I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!”
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn't the right club, “That's not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”
Jesus responded, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie.” Moses said, “I'm telling you, that's not enough club!”
Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, “I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”
Jesus said, “This will be fine — remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.
About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, “What's he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?” “No,” replied Moses, “He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!”
A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. “That was really a very nice gesture,” one of his buddies said. “Hey, it's the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!”
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green.” So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green.” The man said, “I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened.” “What was that?” asked his friend. The man replied, “I got a seven!”
There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin — but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. “You know,” she said, “this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!”
Well, the first man ran over and said, “You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5-inches above the cup.”
The second man pushed him out of the way and said, “No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup.”
The third man walked up and said, “Don't listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That's a gimme!”
So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It's the damnedest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read “Titlist 1.”
“That was my ball,” the guy said.
“What I don't understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says “Titleist 3.”
“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.”
When asked about his golf game a man replied, “It's a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch.”
What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbatio
You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!
A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.
Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!”
“Well, thanks,” the man replied, “but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?”
The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first
On the day after his Master's victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this very exclusive golf club. He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said, “I am sorry sir but this club does not allow black people to enter. However, if you would still like to play, there is an excellent public course about a 3 wood down this road.”
Tiger responds, “But I am Tiger Woods!”
The guard replies, “I am terribly sorry I did not recognize you. In that case the other course is an easy 5 iron down the road.”
It seems that there was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, “Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh, shit.”
A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, “How long has it been since you've had a smoke?”
“I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time”, he replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, “How long has it been since you've had a drink?”
“I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time”, he replied.
She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, “How long has it been since you've played around?”
His eyes bulged as he said, “Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!”