Addicted To Golf

“Hi my name is Bernie and I'm a Golfer…”

While some like to debate whether golf is a game or a sport, I'm debating whether golf is a sport or a drug.

From The Addiction Research Foundation here are 10 indicators of a golf addiction

         Unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper (every second shot)

         Association with known substance abusers (other golfers)

         Constantly spending money on achieving more, better “highs”

         Flying to foreign countries to find the best “stuff”

         Uncharacteristically passive behavior; or combative and argumentative behavior

         Gradual development of dysfunction, especially in job performance or school work

         Availability and consumption of substance becomes the focus of social or professional activities

         Abrupt changes in work or school attendance, quality of work, work output, grades, discipline

         Impaired interpersonal relationships; troubled marriage, unexplainable termination of deep relationships, alienation from close family members

         Significant changes in sleeping and waking hours (i.e. waking up at 6:00AM on Saturday mornings)

Common Denials

I am NOT addicted. I can stop any time I want. Really. No, really I could if I wanted to. Just to prove I have some will power left, I'm not going to subscribe to the Golf Channel, at least not until February.

It seems that when I need a higher fix on golf I know I can go to someone that can give me something better. He's a local guy. They call him “The Pro.� He usually has some pretty good stuff for me to try.

20 Signs You Could Be “Addicted to Golf”

1.      Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open on a Saturday night.

2.      You curse the game only to play it the next day.

3.      You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half hours.

4.      You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.

5.      You secretly wish evil on your playing partners.

6.      A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.

7.      You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday.

8.      Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.

9.      Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.

10.   You make small practice swings in church during the services.

11.   You smile even if you lose the weekend Nassau, and then proceed to bang your head to the wall inside the shower.

12.   You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.

13.   Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.

14.   When your playing partner says he sees lightning, your reply is “what lightning?”

15.   You go to the practice range and try to give golf tips to anyone who will listen.

16.   Tell the same person you read the tip from David Leadbetter's book, after realizing that you were talking to the club pro.

17.   Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.

18.   People in your family get their supply of sunscreen from you when they go swimming.

19.   You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.

20.   You took the time to read this.

The Final Analysis

         When you stop playing golf, if you wake up at night in a cold sweat and you can't breath until you swing a club, you're probably addicted.

         If when the boss is really on your case and all you can think of is getting to the first tee, golf is a coping mechanism.

         If all you can think of is golf, even while you are having fun, you are probably obsessed. Of course none of this applies if you can make a living at it. Then you are just a pro.

         Whatever you do, stay away from counselors, analysts, etc. Remember, an addiction is whatever they can bill for.

         Don't worry. We understand there's a new 18-step program available now to help us deal with it.