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Of course, that's just what Tom Fazio wants - golfers muttering something evil about him. That's the only explanation for the intimidating visual theater you'll face again and again on the Barefoot Resort Fazio golf course.
America's most over-the-top celebrity golf architect is in full effect here. Fazio tries to take your breath away before you even tee off on every hole, and he comes damn close to succeeding.
No. 5 - the hole with no glimpse of green fairway from the elevated tee - is typical of Fazio's teasing. There isn't really end-to-end sand in the middle of the fairway; in fact, between the clusters of monster bunkers there's a decently wide open landing area. You just don't realize it until you're in the middle of the fairway.
This is a freaking 499-yard par 4, with water creeping in near the tee, and Fazio feels the need to mess with your head even more.
That?s how it goes at Barefoot Resort Fazio - a course that deserves a place in any Myrtle Beach Top 10. And it says here, forget all the hype the Barefoot Resort Love Course received as the best of Barefoot when this mammoth high-end, four-course complex (there?s also Greg Norman and Pete Dye designs) opened eight years ago. Nobody outdoes Fazio here.
"It?s my personal favorite," said Barefoot Head Professional Mike Ross, who?s been at the resort from the start. "It requires the most amount of shot making. And you?re just not going to see another course in Myrtle Beach with these kind of elevation changes."
Those changes come in two types: super-dramatic jaw-droppers and more subtle score-crushers. You get a balcony seat for the former in the form of raised tees, the looks from which are no doubt calculated to trigger quakes.
But what's really going to elevate your score are the little hills and dips in the fairways. Some of Barefoot Resort Fazio's fairways look positively Dye-like - permanently unfurling rugs of green.
"A lot of times the ball's above you or below you," Ross said. "You're shooting up to greens or down off the fairway."
And often you're just shooting from one little crevice to another. A completely even lie is rarer than leap year here. There are as many crooks, crannies and hidden spots on these fairways as in an old used-book store.
The sand, meanwhile, is about as subtle as Michael Richards responding to a heckler. Fazio takes his usual super-sized bunkers and triples, no, quadruples them.
"The first thing most golfers say after they've played the Fazio course for the first time is, 'Wow, that's a lot of sand,'" Ross said, laughing. "I get that more than anything."
No. 9 has more sand on it alone than most entire golf courses. There?s a mid-sized pond to the right along the tees and then a sand trap that can be best described as Saharan. Even calling it a sand trap is like branding a Ferrari a modest mode of transport.
It stretches almost the entire 408-yard length of the hole uninterrupted, all the way up to the end of the green. There isn?t one tree growing out of the sand. There?s a half dozen in various clusters, including a huge hulking one near the green.
Sand trap? Try sand continent. If your ball gets lost in there, the Red Cross is called.
"The Fazio course is my favorite because you'll see some crazy stuff you haven't seen before," local regular Jamie Ferrera said.
Thankfully, that craziness includes some nearly un-condo-interrupted nature - the most endangered species in all of Myrtle Beach. The back nine on the Fazio course truly thrusts you into the woods.
Just going from the 10th green to the 11th tee takes you across a long bridge through a murky swamp filled with protruding cracked trees. You can imagine a mythical creature emerging from the deep green ooze - maybe with a magical sand wedge.
King Arthur didn't need Excalibur half as bad. But he probably never had this much fun either.
The verdict
Good holes come at you one after another on the Barefoot Resort Fazio. What showy stretch will you love best? Nos. 6-8, with the two long-carry par 3s? The just-hang-on 12-15 run? The plethora of memorable holes makes this a must-play on any Myrtle Beach search for high-end excellence.
It's less of a treat if you're playing from the forward tees, which remove some of the course's most dramatic shots. Women and shorter hitters are better off playing from the whites, the second-forward of the five sets.
And while the Fazio is set back in the woods, you get steady background traffic noise from nearby King's Highway. Even though it's got less nature and more homes, the Love course is actually a bit more escape-inducing.
These are minor quibbles, though, and far from enough to knock the Barefoot Resort Fazio from its lofty place in Grand Strand golf.
Stay and play
Myrtle Beach has tons of hotels but not many of the upscale ones many seasoned travelers expect. If you lean that way, the Marriott Grand Dunes is the class of the field, but the Sheraton Convention Center is in the same league (minus the ocean access) and often much cheaper.
Dining out
When a famous athlete goes into food - especially pricey chain-restaurant food - you expect the worst. But Greg Norman's Australian Grille (843-361-0000) delivers surprisingly tasty selections. The salmon salad is particularly good. The prices are more reasonable at lunch, and the patio views over the water are better then too.
Fast fact
Barefoot Resort Fazio measures a modern-modest 6,350 yards from the black tees that most golfers play, but even from there the slope rating is 133.
Caledonia